Food critic Seftel farewell toast: Top 8 moments

On Sunday, Arizona Republic restaurant critic Howard Seftel traded his go-to TV disguise — a fake beard and silly hat — for a suit, and his real self, which is generally clean-shaven and almost always hat-less.

After 23 years as a dining critic, the last 15 at The Republic, Seftel retired Sunday night at a public toast at the Herberger Theater's Stage West that celebrated the man and his writing, as well as the Valley's passion for great food and drink. This evening was an occasion for Seftel and The Republic to thank our readers and dining community for the investment they've made in our dining coverage.

In front of almost 300 guests, notable chefs and restaurateurs took to the stage to toast Seftel, and to tease him — and each other.

This is a look at some of the funniest and most meaningful moments.

1. Aaron May of Arcadia Yacht Club and Cullen Campbell of Crudo read Seftel's sickest burns

Seftel and his colleagues combed his 15 years of reviews for some of his most devastating lines from countless reviews. The two chefs went on for more than four minutes, delivering over-the-top criticisms and complaints selected for their wit, and sometimes, cruelty.

One of our favorites: "The whole scene is profoundly dutiful, charmless and cognitively dissonant. This is what it must be like to eat in a well-stocked government cafeteria in North Korea."

2. Josh Hebert of Posh and Dr. Seuss

Hebert quoted from one of the first reviews most people today are exposed to: " 'I do not like green eggs and ham.'/I do not like salty Spam./I do not like my red wine warm, or when your waiters swarm./Bring me foie gras, fruit and cheese. Skip the bread course, please."

3. Christopher Gross of Christopher's goes South Park

Gross' mom is visiting from France and the two of them sit down to watch one of his favorite shows. His mom starts picking up slang from the show and gets kind of mixed up about when to use it and about whom. This becomes evidident a month later when Seftel writes a glowing article about Gross and his mom has some pointed, awkward questions about their relationship.

Note: This video contains crude slang.

4. Food writer Karen Fernau of The Republic gets personal

Fernau opened her talk reflecting on Seftel as the perfect cubicle neighbor: "He's the best one I've ever had in the newsroom because Howie's never there."

Fernau also revealed that the first choice for the job was a marijuana smoker who turned it down because he said he'd never pass the mandatory drug test necessary to get a job at The Republic. It was Seftel's lucky day. But after the jokes, Fernau spoke of Seftel as a thoughtful, complicated man who would take hours to accurately describe. So instead, she's spent years of her career just answering the curious by saying that he's just "the best."

Sunday, though, she shared more. He's a piano player, he's a dedicated father who served as more of an at-home dad than any might have suspected, and he's a talented, dedicated writer who worked as hard to describe broccolini as his colleagues in metro work to describe graft, corruption and crime.

5. Nobuo Fukuda of Nobuo at Teeter House and the never-ending dinner

Fukuda spoke about how much Seftel's reviews meant to him over the years, and how, after so many visits to so many restaurants, he finally figured out who Seftel was. But he couldn't say anything.

So one night, when Seftel came in for the three-hour omakase tasting menu, Fukuda was put in a highly awkward position. See, the tasting menu seats are at a bar. The chef is on the other side of the bar. They sat face-to-face for three hours, without being able to acknowledge each other.

"I wanted to say, 'Hey, Howard, how are you doing? Thanks for the reviews. But no. It was the longest dinner of my life."

6. Silvana Salcido Esparza of Barrio Cafe

Esparza opened with a story about hearing that Seftel was in her restaurant one night, but not knowing which man in her restaurant was the man.

"There they were: a room full of white guys... Needless to say, sorry, all you folks look the same to me," she said to riotous laughs from the audience.

But Esparza closed with a quick a note of thanks to Seftel for reviewing all the mom-and-pop taco shops, all the unassuming Mexican restaurants that dot the Valley and considering them enthusiastically and thoughtfully, something that she said has made a difference in the Valley's appreciation of the diversity and nature of Mexican cuisine.

"You have been a champion for us little guys," she said.

7. Vincent Guerithault of Vincent's on Camelback and men with sparse hair

Guerithault talked about how he heard that Seftel was losing his hair and liked veal sweetbreads. So he instituted a policy: anyone with sparse hair and a taste for veal sweetbreads got a free dessert. Just on the off chance it was Seftel.

So one night, a waiter comes back and says that Table 10 thanks him for the dessert. And Guerithault was incredulous. A thank you of this kind was rare. So he asked who was at Table 10, thinking this was his big moment to unmask the critic.

"Charles Barkley," replied the waiter, according to Guerithault.

To which Seftel called out from the audience, "We get mistaken for each other all the time!"

"Howard, you have no idea how many men got dessert on you," finished Guerithault.

8. Seftel speaks, finally

Seftel opened by acknowledging how rare this kind of sendoff is in the world of journalism. He spoke of countless colleagues who have left the paper in the last few years, who didn't get such a public farewell, but who were no less deserving.

"I'll feel a little less ridiculous if I feel like I'm standing in for them," he said to applause.

Seftel spent much of his time on stage being overwhelmed by his readers' generosity, and thanking those who supported him, including his wife, the journalist Kathleen Ingley, and his two daughters, and his group of friends who ate out with him regularly, never subsisting things, complaining of allergies or intolerance and always arriving on time for the reservation.

He estimated that his wife has sat across from him at 14,000 dinners over 43 years together, and that he hasn't gotten any more interesting or entertaining since the first five or so.

He also thanked the chefs of the Valley, for showing up and working hard to do their best, every day, with every dish.

Seftel wrapped by saying he looks forward to visiting his favorite restaurants as a regular. As a customer. Not a critic.

At that, all the chefs joined him on stage to join in the standing ovation the audience had already started.

The night's speakers included: James Porter recently of Petite Maison, Christopher Gross of Christopher's, Joshua Hebert of Posh, Karen Fernau of The Republic, Nobuo Fukuda of Nobuo at Teeter House, Eliot Wexler of Nocawich, Hanna Gabrielsson of Beaver Choice, Chris Bianco of Pizzeria Bianco, Silvana Salcido Esparza of Barrio Cafe, Aaron May of Arcadia Yacht Club, Vincent Guerithault of Vincent's on Camelback, Cullen Campbell of Crudo and Gio Osso of Virtu Honest Craft.