Halftime report: The best (and worst) of Arizona politics, 2015-style

As unbelievable as it may seem, we have reached the halfway point of 2015.

It's been a year, thus far, of the surreal and the surprising. Of quackery and cozy connections. Of a newly minted governor and the same old Legislature. Of attempted crackpottery and accomplished tomfoolery and the usual assorted spectacles we've come to expect.

This, after all, is Arizona, where astonishing things so often seem to happen.

Cue the halftime awards, for some of our more memorable moments.

Keenest solution to a problem that doesn't exist: The prize goes to Scottsdale's Rep. Jay Lawrence, who even before he took office in January was all abuzz about his bill to stamp the words NON CITIZEN across the driver's licenses issued to "dreamers". But wait. Aren't the driver's licenses of non-citizens already are coded differently in MVD computers, you ask? Oooops. Runner up: Rep. Phil Lovas' short-lived bill to put Arizona on daylight savings time. A show of hands, please, of those who think we need more sunshine right now?

Loftiest accomplishment of Gov. Doug Ducey's administration: Within days of taking office, the Legislature actually declared an emergency in order to fast-track the new governor's top priority. So now Arizona has a high school civics test that requires graduating seniors to answer such penetrating questions as: who is the current president of the United States and in what month do we vote for president. They also must be able to name one state that borders Mexico and unravel the mystery of why the U.S. flag has 50 stars. Fortunately, our budding geniuses only need to score 60 percent on this 100-question test to pass.

Kookiest attempt to land a mention by Jon Stewart: Gen. Bob "Thorpedo" Thorpe, who charged forth at the state House, declaring our independence from the United States president, from the U.S. Department of Justice, from the Environmental Protection Agency and from just about anything else associated with the f-word. (Federal, that would be.) Alas, it was less a shot heard 'round the world than it was a quiet capitulation to crazy. Every one of Thorpe's bills was deemed too wacky even for our Legislature. Runner up: Sen. Kelli Ward, for her ill-fated campaign to declare our independence from federal gun laws.

Best plan to crack down on dark money: Oh ... wait…

Best covert operation to encourage physical fitness (on the public's dime, naturally): The Arizona House, which tried to sneak in a basement workout room with showers under cover of that old catchall used anytime government wants an upgrade: asbestos removal. House Speaker David Gowan's spokeswoman assured us all that there was nothing to see here -- certainly no plans for a workout room with showers. Turns out it wasn't a workout room with showers. It was a multipurpose room with showers. This, when some schools can't afford a can of paint. Strangely, the proposed $1.7 million House renovation job – which followed last year's $335,000 House renovation job -- was put on hold once the public got wind of it…

Most memorable lecture on how dumb we really are: So many possibilities here. But top honors go to ASU President Michael Crow for his May screed, in which he huffed and puffed and generally lamented the lousy state of journalism, that anyone would question his decision to shell out $500,000 for the privilege of hosting last year's Clinton Global Initiative University. Deliver us, he sniffed, from columnists who "fail to recognize that the university is about outcomes, about creating master learners immersed in a diversity of thought" and who "fail to acknowledge what the university is and how it acquires what it needs to be successful." Crow was curiously silent a few weeks later, when word got out that the University of Texas not only didn't pay the Clinton Foundation to host this exercise in creating master learners. The school was actually reimbursed for its expenses.

Update: After publication of this award, ASU President Michael Crow contacted me with the following: "All paid except the Louisiana school (Tulane) because of Katrina. The others paid through donors and then they changed the rules. They wanted us to raise the funding and pay them the fee that way. This is what we had done when we hosted the presidential debate in 2004, which was very complex. But it worked for us. And gave us the experience that this kind of thing helps us."

Politician who best embraced his inner Wimpy: Give it up for Gov. Ducey, who announced this spring that he will gladly pay our schools in two years for educating our kids today. Ducey's plan to temporarily boost school funding by $320 a student … in a couple of years … maybe … is a start here in the state that ranks dead last in its support of K-12 schools. But like Wimpy – Popeye's penny pinching pal who will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today – the kids can't wait.

Best outrageous analogy that didn't involve Nazis:Sen. Kelli Ward grabs this one, for comparing Obamacare to slavery. After the Supreme Court upheld the Affordable Care Act, Ward took to Twitter. "At one point prohibition & slavery were the law of the land too - they were wrong & so is #Obamacare," she tweeted. So wait …. a law that allows millions of people to be able to afford to go to a doctor is like slavery? Fortunately, Ward clarified her position: "Comparison of Obamacare to slavery? No. Comparison of previous laws of the land that were just as wrong as Obamacare." So wait … a law that ensures that people don't go bankrupt if they get cancer is "just as wrong" as a law that put millions of people in chains?

Snappiest defense of Ward's analogy: The Arizona Luke, who offered this comeback tweet: "FYI, @LaurieRoberts is a lying whore of Satan. #TheMoreYouKnow #AZRight" Good one, Luke. But I object to being called a liar.

Most effective use of a muzzle: Sean Noble's American Encore, a dark-money group that invested $1.5 million into getting Ducey elected. So naturally, when Mesa Superintendent Michael Cowan spoke out about the damage Ducey's proposed budget would do to schools, he experienced the wrath of American Encore. Ducey's dark-money enforcers attacked Cowan and spread disinformation about Mesa's spending practices. Not surprisingly, Cowan never spoke out again.

Honorable mention goes to Rep. Anthony Kern's ode to Cowan – a curious bill aimed at gagging any school official who dares to protest anything the Legislature proposes. Kern's bill got a tentative OK in the House but slipped silently away once the public got wind of it. Gee, I wonder why?

Most entertaining cage fight: Doug Ducey-Diane Douglas. Arizona's new state superintendent took office in January and immediately set about improving public education by trying to fire state Board of Education employees. Ducey intervened, saying she didn't have the authority, and the fight was on. Douglas went all bare-knuckle nasty on the governor she'd campaigned with just a few months earlier. "Governor Ducey apparently views himself as both Governor and Superintendent of Schools," she raged. "For someone who has spent so much time discussing the plain meaning of 'or vs. and' as a justification to deprive schools of hundreds of millions of dollars to give to his corporate cronies as tax cuts, I wish he would use the same precision in looking at the plain language of the law with regard to the powers and duties of the Superintendent of Public Instruction." Now, that's going to leave a mark.

Most intriguing show of respect for the men in black (robes): Maricopa Joe Arpaio, who admitted he was in contempt of court for failing to follow U.S. District Court Murray Snow's 2001 order to stop with the immigration patrols. "I have a deep respect for the courts, federal courts and federal judges," he told the judge. "I didn't know all the facts of this court order, and it really hurts me that after 55 years… to be in this position. So I want to apologize to the judge that I should have known more. This court order slipped through the cracks." A few weeks later, he demanded that the judge be dumped.

Best I-thought-it-was-a-great-idea-then-but-now-not-so-much move: Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick, who moved early to box out fellow Democratic Rep. Kyrsten Sinema with her sudden announcement that she'll be running against Sen. John McCain next year. That was then, when it looked like both Kirkpatrick and Sinema could be both be out of a job, based on conventional wisdom that the Supreme Court would allow the Legislature to redraw Arizona's congressional districts. Genius plan, Ann.

Best (state-mandated) practice of voodoo medicine without a license: Cathi Herrod and the Herrodettes over at the state Capitol take top honors. Coming off an 0-3 year in the courts with her previous anti-abortion laws, the head of the Center for Arizona Policy speed-dialed the state Capitol for a new law this year. This one requires doctors to inform women that drug-induced abortions can be reversed. Never mind that there's no actual medical science to support that.

Best potential for political hanky-panky that could pad your electric bill: Hands down this award goes to the Arizona Corporation Commission for its cozy relationship with Arizona Public Service. This award is given in recognition of then-Commission Chairman Gary Pierce's cozy dinners with the APS chief Don Brandt, Commissioner Bob Stump's mad texting tendencies with an APS executive and a dark-money group widely believed to have been funded by APS. It's given in recognition of APS's continued vow of silence over whether the utility quietly spent more than $3 million to put Tom Forese and Doug onto the commission that regulates it. And, of course, in recognition of the continued curious silence of the commission which could, with a simple order, end the growing suspicion that Arizona's leading electric utility and the folks who regulate it are far more comfortable operating in the dark.