Roberts: Joe Arpaio says he may run for Senate but only if you send him cash ASAP

There are two things in in life that are absolutely guaranteed.

No, not death and taxes.

One. The fact that every time a major political office opens up in Arizona, Joe Arpaio will float a trial a balloon that he might make a run for it. This, because he says his supporters are overwhelming him with requests that he jump into the race. (See: governor's races in 1998, 2002, 2006, 2010 and 2014.)

And Two. After he’s gotten maximum TV and internet exposure, he will announce that reluctantly, he’s decided not to run, after all. (See: governor's races in 1998, 2002, 2006, 2010 and 2014.)

This time, however, he’s not just snookering gullible journalists. 

That’s right. Maricopa County’s favorite ousted sheriff and pardoned misdemeanor criminal is cranking up the old fundraising machine once again.

His latest plea: give me cash so I can decide whether to run for the open U.S. Senate seat created by Jeff Flake's decision not to run again.

What Arpaio says in his letter

“Patriot,” Arpaio begins, “I have a big decision to make – but what I end up choosing to do in the next critical days largely depends on you, too, Patriot.

"You see, this is a very personal email, and I need my most trusted and dependable supporters to help me get it right, because President Trump needs my help, and I have to make a very big decision ... very soon.

“Here is the situation: to really get his stalled reform agenda moving on Capitol Hill, my friend President Donald Trump needs a U.S. Senator he a (sic) can trust to actually vote for action on illegal immigration, taxes, the economy and more – and some are asking me to step forward.”

By some, I’m guessing he means the people who run his fundraising machine and make a hefty commission off of every dollar raised. Or maybe his lawyers. But I digress. Back to Arpaio’s plea.

“So I want to ask you – Should I run for the open U.S. Senate seat in Arizona?"

He then asks his marks, excuse me, I mean, his supporters whether he should “STAND UP AND FIGHT or No, Don’t Run.”

He won't win, but he'll raise tons of cash

And here it comes: “Patriot, I definitely won’t make this huge decision for the future without your input – but I also can’t move forward with such a potentially awesome challenge before I get my own situation in order.

“As you know, the Obama Department of Justice’s politically-charged prosecution has left me saddled with hundreds of thousands in legal defense debt – and I must deal with that burden before I can make an ultimate decision about my future … President Trump may need me in the Senate, but first I need your generous assistance to retire this debt….

“If you would like to see a strong conservative Republican who can help President Trump get things done in Washington please donate ANY AMOUNT after you take the poll.”

Chances of 85-year-old Joe Arpaio getting into the Senate race: One zillion to one.

Chances of Arpaio winning the Senate race: One zillion zillion to one.

Chances of Arpaio raising a ton of dough from widows and little old ladies across the land who actually believe that he might run for the Senate if only they open their wallets one more time:

Ah, now that's golden.

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